Another song

[lntoxicating]

This is more the style I'm in to. It's an underground sound, but not your typical underground sound. To me it sounds unique. The quality is good, but far from studio quality. As I said in my last thread with a song, I ordered equipment but I'm yet to record any new songs.

Any thoughts or criticisms are welcome. I do this for fun. I love it, lol.

http://www.soundclick.com/bands/page_songInfo.cfm?bandID=743577&songID=8333680

Here's the lyrics:

a fate hanged, dangled adjacent complacency

the love in her stomach made her bury her face in me

one wrong move when a wish gets granted

& hell breaks loose on the gods who stamped it

we're frantic, we panic, damn I can't stand it,

fire in the fuselage----No way of landing

Guide your pride--ride it out:

"too many will fall"

ask ya spine for a ride--only pennies a call

(Oh well) Soon we'll be forgotten like Arsenio Hall

Man I gotta ask, "Yo what's the use?",

if the bride and best-man order nuts for two

guess it sucks for you, but yo trust me dude

I heard cyanide was a beautiful chaser,

yo you can get wasted,

by the end of the night you wont know where your face is

Rust-covered bean-can, you wont even taste it

Hook x2

judging by that fella with bellow-ous screams

I dont think the robatussen really does what it seems

He's got a buncha degrees... I don't mean to impede,

but cookies only crunch when they crumble in your dreams

it's the ending we begin with, pork & beans for christmas

angels in their sin, feeding acid tabs to pigeons

if you wanna save the world, you'll have to wait in line

they'll pay you with some pocket lint, a quarter for your time

second-rate apocolypse borders on the line,

of media & mediocrity, false hope in socretese

punch-drunk in soccer Tee's rooting for the soccer team

fans jump the feild yelling "yo, who's stopping meee?"

freight liner's late, little sally holds the cargo

a love-sick soup, breath mints for the stars... GO

lost & found, sweat shop, second handed

although.. top hat legend begs the question; where's waldo?

a simple dinner fixed with some match lit candles

begin, pick a winner, sour patch kid vandles

trans fat-heart attacks sit upon the mantle

presidential speechery turns out to be a scandal

Hook x2

judging by that fellow with bellow-ous screams

I dont think the robatussen really does what it seems

He's got a buncha degrees... I don't mean to impede,

but cookies only crunch when they crumble in your dreams

Leave it to the eskimos, they're the ones clubbing seals..

Bring it to the desk & yo, everyone discussing deals

"a bright, young mind--We could use a dude like you, sure

You're gonna blow up. I cam see it in your future"

Save the preminition, Demolition's just carpet sex

If artificial arcitechs stutter when the spark is wet

a 6 pack of confidence, & "A god damn sliver"

Becomes: "sii's so ill that he runs with scisors..."

so check the sketch, the same f*** ing picture

I WILL pull the trigger on your dry cleaned button up

As feminists march to the tune of the glutton-truck; Something's up

helter skelter melted as i felt her up gracefully,

the skin under her nails seemed to make a little place for me

A rendition of the rennosaince, ears in a baggy

For years he's been happy, here in the back seat

For fear that this happened..... to him

Hook x2

judging by that fellow with bellow-ous screams

I dont think the robatussen really does what it seems

He's got a buncha degrees... I don't mean to impede,

but cookies only crunch when they crumble in your dreams

[Hex`]

I thought it was great, do you make all the lyrics, beats etc 100% by yourself? And is this your hobby or are you thinking about making money with these songs?

[lntoxicating]

I thought it was great, do you make all the lyrics, beats etc 100% by yourself? And is this your hobby or are you thinking about making money with these songs?

Thanks man. Glad you enjoyed, I really am. I write and record the lyrics. I use premade beats because I haven't learned how to make my own yet (soon I will :D) this is just a hobby. I don't plan to ever make a living off it, but I've done a few live shows.

[gfdgfd]

Not a big fan of rap, but really like this.

[Jim]

Could break it down and give you feed but I can't be fucked. Its not that great man, needs more wordplay, a bolder theme, better structure and drop the low-syllable count too.

I'm sure Rapbattles.com's poetry section would be glad to help, real advice none of the 'GOOD SONG BRO1' comments you get on other poetry forums.

[lntoxicating]

Could break it down and give you feed but I can't be fucked. Its not that great man, needs more wordplay, a bolder theme, better structure and drop the low-syllable count too.

I'm sure Rapbattles.com's poetry section would be glad to help, real advice none of the 'GOOD SONG BRO1' comments you get on other poetry forums.

I never liked RB. I've been all over the net on different sites, and I'm pretty well known on a few. There's metaphores and wordplay all through out this. They're not obvious dumb ones like "im cold like ice!!". I enjoy criticism, but I usually know what's wrong. The structure is almost flawless. The rhyme schemes hook up smooth and flow together.

What do you mean "drop the low syllable count"? that doesn't make sense. It could be recorded again, and it will when I get this equipment, but the lyrics, structure and schemes are fine imo. the only thing off is the recording. (meaning my emotion and all that, as well.)

I posted this on rapdogs.com, TRshady.com and hiphopave.com Each place gave great advice and everyone enjoyed it :P If you can explain to me what you mean, or where you feel the structure is off, I'll gladly receive it.

[Ar3chy]

ahh not such a good song

[gfdgfd]

Low syllable count he means you're using words with like 1 or 2 syllables, and to try using longer words, i didn't really notice.

[lntoxicating]

That doesn't make sense, lol.. If he means not enough multies, he should look harder cos the multies are so smooth they don't even stick out.

[Jim]

I hate RB in most cases too, but their poetry section is top notch.

By low syllable count I mean the 'it/is', 'call/hall'. Then again it be working well on the audio I don't know, I was reading it instead.

I know there were was wordplay in it but not in the sense I'm on about. Give me a few hours and I'll post a perfect example for you.

[ya im chase]

Good job, but I liked the other one more.

anyway make another :)

[lntoxicating]

I hate RB in most cases too, but their poetry section is top notch.

By low syllable count I mean the 'it/is', 'call/hall'. Then again it be working well on the audio I don't know, I was reading it instead.

I know there were was wordplay in it but not in the sense I'm on about. Give me a few hours and I'll post a perfect example for you.

I know what you mean, but you're wrong about the multies. Not every line has to have a multie, but 99% of this is multies.

a fate hanged, dangled adjacent complacency

the love in her stomach made her bury her face in me

one wrong move when a wish gets granted

& hell breaks loose on the gods who stamped it

we're frantic, we panic, damn I can't stand it

fire in the fuselage----No way of landing

Guide your pride--ride it out:

"too many will fall"

ask ya spine for a ride--only pennies a call

(Oh well) Soon we'll be forgotten like Arsenio Hall

Man I gotta ask, "Yo what's the use?",

if the bride and best-man order nuts for two

guess it sucks for you, but yo trust me dude

I heard cyanide was a beautiful chaser,

yo you can get wasted,

by the end of the night you wont know where your face is

Rust-covered bean-can, you wont even taste it

complacency / face in me

Granted / stamped it / frantic / panic / stand it / landing

many will fall / pennies a call / arsenio hall

whats the use / nuts for two / sucks for you / trust me dude

beautiful chaser / you can get wasted

face is / taste it

^^^ All are examples of multi-syllable rhymes. That's just the first verse.

As for wordplay, I know what you're talking about. Immortal technique, text-type wordplay. I can do that, but it's not relevant to this song.

If you try to over-complicate a song, more often than not it only makes it worse.

you mean wordplay like this, right:

"my punches pasturize without milk products" (past ur eyes)

"When I punch I throws deep, fuck ya crew I'll sock 'em like cold feet"

I've been doing this since 2006, I used to text a lot but I got out of using metaphores and wordplays like that because I want my songs to tell stories.

[Jim]

Right, here we go.

Firstly, your rhyme structure isn't flawless. You've got multis rhyming with one words, some lines have 2 sets, others have one. Honestly man, the structure is a mess.

Here is an example of 'themes', this one is relgion-based. Not the greatest example out there but I can't be fucked to search around.

Locked in said rapture;

a carnal ballet,

up the aisle of her

legs at the altar I pray.

My tongue a tithe

to a body so lithe,

a sacrament to her sex

as she wriggles and writhes.

At the momentum of sin, our hearts speed,

and i’m presented to God upon my knees.

She is my temptation.She is my salvation.

And I am the angel fallen,

Fallen into the arms of adoration.

I know you have wordplay throughout but its very limited, try to take it beyond just the two sets of rhymes.

Heres a decent example;

Bringing my Allstar game, leave you bruised; pussy admit //

Fuck, when we Converse it'll be the shoe that I'm stomping you with ;;

On a higher note your voice it great and you clearly have the whole 'rapper vibe' going on. I believe you could go far, you remind me a lot of MF Doom for some reason. There is no chance I could be a rapper, purely because I'm Welsh; Therefore sound like I'm shitting an apple when I try to rap.

[Guest Emote|Muse]

Sounds pretty good.

[lntoxicating]

Right, here we go.

Firstly, your rhyme structure isn't flawless. You've got multis rhyming with one words, some lines have 2 sets, others have one. Honestly man, the structure is a mess.

Here is an example of 'themes', this one is relgion-based. Not the greatest example out there but I can't be fucked to search around.

Locked in said rapture;

a carnal ballet,

up the aisle of her

legs at the altar I pray.

My tongue a tithe

to a body so lithe,

a sacrament to her sex

as she wriggles and writhes.

At the momentum of sin, our hearts speed,

and i’m presented to God upon my knees.

She is my temptation.She is my salvation.

And I am the angel fallen,

Fallen into the arms of adoration.

I know you have wordplay throughout but its very limited, try to take it beyond just the two sets of rhymes.

Heres a decent example;

Bringing my Allstar game, leave you bruised; pussy admit //

Fuck, when we Converse it'll be the shoe that I'm stomping you with ;;

On a higher note your voice it great and you clearly have the whole 'rapper vibe' going on. I believe you could go far, you remind me a lot of MF Doom for some reason. There is no chance I could be a rapper, purely because I'm Welsh; Therefore sound like I'm shitting an apple when I try to rap.

You're entitled to your opinion, and I'm not going to argue against it or try to change it. If you read my post above yours, though, you'll see I knew exactly the kinda wordplay you meant. And yes, there's multies that lead in to single sets of rhymes. And having two schemes in one line is actually quite difficult to pull off successfully. It's called "inner-multies" Eminem does it quite a bit (Just a big name artist I can think of that you'd know) I'm not saying the structure is flawless, every artist feels their work could be better.. But it's good. And thanks for the compliment, glad you like the voice lol. I'm from New York, so I guess that helps.

And lol, thanks mike. Remember when I would post up songs on #w70 when I first started rapping? haha