Movie Script - check it out

[Sefket]

MUCH better improved from my last script from last year. I only want serious posts on here. I'm actually going to submit this to a Movie Studio once I'm done with it.

Genre - Mystery, Horror

Rated R

http://foe-rs.com/forums/MYSTERY.pdf

I'm missing:

Story in beginning is missing to figure out about the storyline

This is just the introduction. I went a little slow in beginning, I should speed up the process.

This is actually one of my careers I want to have besides directing and web development.

[plex]

pretty well writen for a naked mole rat

[Adam|Note]

ITS A HACK GUYS DONT FALL FOR IT HE JUST TOOK A PHAT SET OFF MY ACCOUNT

[Silk]

In the fade in part , last sentence it says "she opens the door after she goes up the stairs and checks ON HER AND MAKES SHE GOES TO SLEEP. Your missing a word

[Silk]

Nice sefket . Needs another grammer check . Sounded like the girl was on a foe pk trip . Um 108 apple street ? I'd personally change the name :) very good read . Your good

[Ethan|Unicornz]

Nice sefket . Needs another grammer check . Sounded like the girl was on a foe pk trip . Um 108 apple street ? I'd personally change the name :) very good read . Your good

:icon1z:

tl;dr, might read later if I'm bored

[DeltaPapa]

bit short

and sounds like the dad gave her a blowjob which killed her

[gfdgfd]

"No, sweaty. Get your pajamas on.

You need to get your sleep for

school tomorrow"

lmfao! get your pyjamas on you sweaty wanker!

[Octavarium]

tbh I got extremely bored.

[Marc|Criti]

the first image the viewer sees is extremely important, yours looks like it's from a bad porn movie lol

"look here's a nice building, oh hey there's a hot blonde doing the laundry! why don't I unzip my..."

ELENA

No, sweaty. Get your pajamas on.

lol'd for like 10 minutes

the same old shit

no.

also, you should show the scene with the murder, people love that.

looks pretty boring tbh, needs more action.

maybe something like this:

you start the movie with the camera looking at the child (in the view of the murderer, who is obviously stalking the kid)

show the man following her to her home, etc etc

then at night, the man waiting for the lights to go out to make his move, show him killing the kid

kid getting killed and makes just a bit of noise, the mother hears and starts telling her kid to go to bed

kid still making noise while struggling for her life, the mother goes to the room annoyed, and when she is about to open the door it bursts open and the killer knocks her out

when she wakes up is home and called the cops who are already searching the room for evidence etc etc

you need more build up, more action, and more suspense.

seems to me like you're lacking ideas

[Silk]

Marcs ideas are good !

[Sefket]

the first image the viewer sees is extremely important, yours looks like it's from a bad porn movie lol

"look here's a nice building, oh hey there's a hot blonde doing the laundry! why don't I unzip my..."

ELENA

No, sweaty. Get your pajamas on.

lol'd for like 10 minutes

the same old shit

no.

also, you should show the scene with the murder, people love that.

looks pretty boring tbh, needs more action.

maybe something like this:

you start the movie with the camera looking at the child (in the view of the murderer, who is obviously stalking the kid)

show the man following her to her home, etc etc

then at night, the man waiting for the lights to go out to make his move, show him killing the kid

kid getting killed and makes just a bit of noise, the mother hears and starts telling her kid to go to bed

kid still making noise while struggling for her life, the mother goes to the room annoyed, and when she is about to open the door it bursts open and the killer knocks her out

when she wakes up is home and called the cops who are already searching the room for evidence etc etc

you need more build up, more action, and more suspense.

seems to me like you're lacking ideas

Yours sounds like one of those movies that aren't an actual movie. It's like watching The Blair Witch Project lol. But you are definely right. Build up, suspense and action is definely needed.