Britfgts help me out - descriptive story - predict grade

[Hi5 Brid]

Got to make a descriptive story of a hot, dry place ( Texas deserts ) - 800 words ( I've done 580 ), its in English not American English so don't correct me on words like Center instead of Centre.

It was a beautiful day. In Texas, Cameron. Full of amazing structures, centuries old. A range of mountains carved to sculptures was just sitting there, as if it was chained to the ground. Nature is weaving rocks into gold.

Back at Cameron, city centre, all you can see is street lights, shooting stars and flashing adverts for coke. Cameron can be full of life, full of hustle and bustle of young lads and lasses. You can feel the adrenaline going through your body and the feeling of wildness of the crowds as you see a car drive into a pub. The ladies are screaming and yelling, you can hear it all echoing, your heart starts beating faster and faster after every gunshot you hear, all the breaking windows are making a clatter of of sounds. All of the sudden three cars slowly drive towards us, for a second everyone goes silent, as a small person comes out of the front, middle car, a wave of sound comes by, of people screaming - Lady next to the mall is saying her prayers. Everyone is running, panicking like a bunch of lost sheep. The criminals bail out as the police arrive.

The very next day there is not a single living soul to be seen, apart for two youngsters, handcuffed to a lamp post, you can see them trying to make friction to break the handcuff's and a one... and a two... they shout as the handcuff's break off each other. One of them looked as tall as a lamp post and old as a rock, the other one looked a bit smaller and younger. They both had great, big cowboy hats. They started to run, as far as the could, carrying sleeping bags with them.

The next day, miles out of the state of Texas, they're walking in a sluggish way, in the middle of nowhere, complete wilderness, it's bone dry, piping hot, there's no water to be seen for miles. The small person say's George, they'll never find us, let's head for a new village and start all over., The massive guy said: Lennie I'm sorry, i did not mean to do such a horrible thing. It's okay, buddy, Lennie said.

They arrive at the village of Mambulu, they talk to the local's. George, Lennie and a stranger we're making a deal, Lennie said he will share thirty percent of their daily pay if he let's them live in his house. They made a deal. The pair of them found themselves jobs. After their first pay they had a feast and went to the local pub. After all of that they sat down near their house and gazed into the moonlit sky, the wind sang through the meadow.

The next day at work while George is panning for gold, a ruff person claims that George is panning for gold in his area, George refuses to move - he said "I search for gold wherever I want." The person takes a gun out of his back pocket, and in a flash he shoots George right in his chest, Lennie heard the gunshot and he followed the running crowd, he saw George floating on the water, he screams and cries, he ask's why, why?!

He never thought it would end this way. He started to say his prayers and when he was done he pulled out a pocket knife, it was as sharp as a razor. He stabbed it right into the centre of his heart.

Please have a try and grade it, ( A*, A, B, C, D, E, F, G, U ) A* best / F fail, U unmarked and so on.

I might add on a bit more, cause before i wrote it i made a plan and i got loads more stuff i could add on, well change it because the main characters are already dead. ( i need around 800 words and I've only got about 580 )

Exam on Tuesday, I'm preparing for it ( Thursday at the moment, don't have a single English lesson until the 2 hour exam. )

[Farmoil]

Damn how old are you this shit is like year 8

[Hi5 Brid]

Damn how old are you this shit is like year 8

year 10 :s

[Sean``]

Damn how old are you this shit is like year 8

He's lithuanian cut him some slack..

"A range of mountains carved to sculptures was just sitting there"

That doesn't sound right.

[DeltaPapa]

I want to say something before this whole thing gets out of control. In 1967, in the hot desert sun, a woman gave birth to a boy in the back of old pick up. She was a whore. She left the boy at a local church. The father at the church didn't like children, but he knew that being a disciple of the bible he couldn't possibly not take the small kid. Instead he ended up taking out his frustration on the boy. At the age of three, the boy was forced to use the toilet. Let me tell you the little fell into his own pile of poop more than once. By the age of 5, the boy the boy was reading the bible and chopping wood for the fire. Despite the father's harsh character, the boy loved him and thought of him as his true father. By the age of seven the father raped him three times. The boy ran away. He survived four days in the desert by eating cactus and scorpions. He was finally found by a drug cartel boss, who took the boy in. Mr. Sanchez was his name, and he was immediately impressed by the boys intelligence and grown up attitude. Mr. Sanchez provided the boy with an education at a private prep school and a nice house. The boy had sex for the first time when he was 12, the next year he graduated high school. He was the school's star running back. The boy was lost, although he liked Mr. Sanchez, he never thought of him as his father. The boy went to India, were he became a spiritual leader of a large tribe of farmers. With his power he turned the several plots that each tribe member had into a large corporate farm and became a millionaire. His assets grew as he bought into other successful start ups. He often got ahead in business with his great leadership abilities, but once in a while he used violence. This was India after all. By the time he was 22, the boy had all the money he would ever need. So he bought a yacht and traveled the world for 10 years. For 10 years he visited every major port, slept with girls from every country imaginable, and tried every drug ever made (by nature and by man). When he was 33, he was walking on a beach in French Guiana when he met a girl of Irish - Native American decent. She bared his seed. It was boy, perfect health. He moved them to Argentina, then London, and eventually Vermont. The man was 45 now, he has seen everything, accomplished everything, tried everything. He skied down the Swiss Alps, been at the North Pole, swam with hammerheads, everything! Yet he has never done one simple thing that we all take for granted every day, he met his father. He never played catch with his father, he never talked about women with his father. He never would. He died at the age of 63 when his parachute didn?t open when he was base jumping from Dagger Mountain in Washington, USA. Over three thousand people attended his funeral.

I know what you are thinking. How does this story relate to me? Well I want you to go all the way back to the beginning of the story and remember the woman who gave birth to this incredible boy. You are like this woman. You are like this women because you are a whore.

[Animal]

I want to say something before this whole thing gets out of control. In 1967, in the hot desert sun, a woman gave birth to a boy in the back of old pick up. She was a whore. She left the boy at a local church. The father at the church didn't like children, but he knew that being a disciple of the bible he couldn't possibly not take the small kid. Instead he ended up taking out his frustration on the boy. At the age of three, the boy was forced to use the toilet. Let me tell you the little fell into his own pile of poop more than once. By the age of 5, the boy the boy was reading the bible and chopping wood for the fire. Despite the father's harsh character, the boy loved him and thought of him as his true father. By the age of seven the father raped him three times. The boy ran away. He survived four days in the desert by eating cactus and scorpions. He was finally found by a drug cartel boss, who took the boy in. Mr. Sanchez was his name, and he was immediately impressed by the boys intelligence and grown up attitude. Mr. Sanchez provided the boy with an education at a private prep school and a nice house. The boy had sex for the first time when he was 12, the next year he graduated high school. He was the school's star running back. The boy was lost, although he liked Mr. Sanchez, he never thought of him as his father. The boy went to India, were he became a spiritual leader of a large tribe of farmers. With his power he turned the several plots that each tribe member had into a large corporate farm and became a millionaire. His assets grew as he bought into other successful start ups. He often got ahead in business with his great leadership abilities, but once in a while he used violence. This was India after all. By the time he was 22, the boy had all the money he would ever need. So he bought a yacht and traveled the world for 10 years. For 10 years he visited every major port, slept with girls from every country imaginable, and tried every drug ever made (by nature and by man). When he was 33, he was walking on a beach in French Guiana when he met a girl of Irish - Native American decent. She bared his seed. It was boy, perfect health. He moved them to Argentina, then London, and eventually Vermont. The man was 45 now, he has seen everything, accomplished everything, tried everything. He skied down the Swiss Alps, been at the North Pole, swam with hammerheads, everything! Yet he has never done one simple thing that we all take for granted every day, he met his father. He never played catch with his father, he never talked about women with his father. He never would. He died at the age of 63 when his parachute didn?t open when he was base jumping from Dagger Mountain in Washington, USA. Over three thousand people attended his funeral.

I know what you are thinking. How does this story relate to me? Well I want you to go all the way back to the beginning of the story and remember the woman who gave birth to this incredible boy. You are like this woman. You are like this women because you are a whore.

[Farmoil]

Damn how old are you this shit is like year 8

He's lithuanian cut him some slack..

"A range of mountains carved to sculptures was just sitting there"

That doesn't sound right.

My bad, this is pretty good work then couldn't be bothered to proof read it fully but probably a B

[Hi5 Brid]

Damn how old are you this shit is like year 8

He's lithuanian cut him some slack..

"A range of mountains carved to sculptures was just sitting there"

That doesn't sound right.

as in right right or bitch sitting on a dildo/dick right?

[Hi5 Brid]

Damn how old are you this shit is like year 8

He's lithuanian cut him some slack..

"A range of mountains carved to sculptures was just sitting there"

That doesn't sound right.

My bad, this is pretty good work then couldn't be bothered to proof read it fully but probably a B

a B ??!?!??!?!?!? for a freshy like me? LOOOL all i got was 2 C predicts on Fi's forums, waitting on tlps forums atm

[Dog]

i honestly would grade that poverty essay an F

[Sean``]

i honestly would grade that poverty essay an F

Then again, you are from sierra leone.

[Sean``]

Damn how old are you this shit is like year 8

He's lithuanian cut him some slack..

"A range of mountains carved to sculptures was just sitting there"

That doesn't sound right.

as in right right or bitch sitting on a dildo/dick right?

Sitting on a dildo right.

[Hi5 Brid]

Damn how old are you this shit is like year 8

He's lithuanian cut him some slack..

"A range of mountains carved to sculptures was just sitting there"

That doesn't sound right.

as in right right or bitch sitting on a dildo/dick right?

Sitting on a dildo right.

fuck it, ill make examiners laugh, and be like extra marks pl0x?

[DeltaPapa]

In all serious, id grade it a D.

You've tried to hard, and the description is so out there, you know its not true.

"the mountains lie there, sitting there ambigusly waiting for another challanger to climb them, while the bold winged birds circle the peak, waiting for fresh pray"

wud be better

[Dog]

i honestly would grade that poverty essay an F

Then again, you are from sierra leone.

whooooaaaaahhh ohhhhhh ohhhhh ohhhh whooooaaah (sierra leone)

[Andrew]

theres a difference between american and brit english?

who knew lol

also i'd give the essay a C

not bad for being 4n

[Camels]

It's alright.. I can see numerous mistakes. One that instantly caught my eye was in the opening sentence..

"It was a beautiful day. In Texas, Cameron."

It should either be;

"It was a beautiful day in Texas, Cameron." OR "It was a beautiful day. In Texas, Cameron, Sentence continues here...." OR "In Texas, Cameron, it was a beautiful day"

High C imo.

[Sean``]

theres a difference between american and brit english?

who knew lol

Oh dear god.

[vult]

The next day, miles out of the state of Texas, they're walking in a sluggish way,.

realy nice wording in this sentence A*

[Low Bridd]

Where do I know your name from?

[Roma]

Where do I know your name from? ye HOW

[R 4 P 1 D Z]

inb4 didnt read wall of text

[Fears BFF]

Kkkkk

[Hi5 Brid]

Where do I know your name from?

w124

[Sopuli]

dunno why you care so much that you post this atleast in 3 different forums, im 4ner aswell and on year 12 or 13 when compared to British school system and ive never had to do any essay such as that one, yet my english is atleast OK and our school systems the worlds best according to few researches