Dizzy Posted March 21, 2015 Posted March 21, 2015 I didn't want to post this in Member Forums because so many people troll. I spent some time writing this as it takes a bit of time to develop stuff. If you are going to post rude, it will just make me upset as I took my time with this. This is only the introduction. The title has yet to be decided. This is a actual script from what I wrote. As many of you know, I have a few choices in life I want to do. A) Be a Director B) Be a Soccer Player C) Computer Programming So I want to see how good of a Screenwriter I can be. Read the below script and tell me how it is so far. Feedback I need. Written by Sefket Dizzy FADE IN INT. the living room Weather: 80%F, Sunny. No clouds anywhere. It's April 10th, 2005. Two story house, few windows on the front side of the house. Green, healthy grass. Driveway in the center. Just a regular day, family just ate breakfast and their children getting ready for school while parents get ready for work. Family of four. A son, daughter, mom and husband. Mother's name is SARAH, husband's name is JOHN, son's name is BRANDON, daughter's name is KAYLA. SARAH is fourty years old, JOHN is fourty-five years old, BRANDON is fiften years old and KAYLA is ten years old. SARH and JOHN are right by the front door. There is stairs right by the door. SARAH looks right at JOHN. SARAH: You look great, honey. JOHN: Thank you, SARAH. SARAH: I'm going to be home late as I have a meeting. Can you take care of the children later on tonight? JOHN: Yes, babe. SARAH: Thank you. SARAH notices JOHN's tie not looking in place. SARAH: Your tie isn't looking right, let me fix that for you. SARAH reaches her hands out to JOHN's tie and fixes it. JOHN smiles. JOHN: Well, it's time to go to work. I'll see you later tonight I suppose. SARAH: You forgot your lunch! JOHN: Oh, how did I forget!?! SARAH goes to the kitchen(ten steps away) grabs his lunch(it's a brown paper bag with a Turkey Sandwich inside of it). She goes back to JOHN and tells him to take care. SARAH and JOHN kiss each other in the lips then JOHN turns the knob and opens the door and goes through it, closes the door and exists the house. SARAH walks upstairs and sees her children in the hallway. BRANDON with hazel eyes has a plain green shirt on, blue shorts, a Nike shoe and black short hair. KAYLA with blue eyes has a plain blue shirt on, pink shorts, Reebok shoes, and a blonde ponytail hair. KAYLA and BRANDON is tired. SARAH starts smiling. SARAH: Aw, you both look so adorable! SARAH then goes towards her children and hugs them both in her arms. SARAH: I love you both! Have a great day at school! KAYLA AND BRANDON: We love you to, Mom! Bye! KAYLA and BRANDON both go down the stairs and exit through the front door which is by the stairs. They're at the bus stop waiting for the bus to arrive. KAYLA which is still tired along with BRANDON looks at BRANDON. KAYLA: I don't feel like going to school today... BRANDON: Me neither, but we need to go. KAYLA: I guess so. The bus arrives, KAYLA and BRANDON go inside the bus and they go down the isle looking for open seat(s). They sit down and the bus drives away. CLIP FORWARDS TO SARAH INSIDE THE HOUSE INT. THE HOUSE sARAH is getting ready for work. She gets her makeup done, gets her clothes on(Blue Jeans, white shirt, and Reebok shoes) and she's ready to leave the house. She looks at the mirror and then starts talking to herself. SARAH: I look so beautiful! Oh yes, I do! She tucks her shirt out of her pants to make sure she's fully prepared to leave the house. 1
Its zeh noob Posted March 21, 2015 Posted March 21, 2015 Bit bland, i remember sefket wanted to be a screenwriter too. I believe he even had the same scenario.
Akahana Posted March 21, 2015 Posted March 21, 2015 I liked it. Was an interesting read, I pictured it like the typical white american family. If you would like to discuss things related to advancing in the story I'll gladly help. If you do want help, discuss, ideas PM me ?
Luke Posted March 21, 2015 Posted March 21, 2015 No raunchy sex scenes? Feel like Sefket wrote it MORE BONING
Pixel Pigeon Posted March 21, 2015 Posted March 21, 2015 you're writing one of those erotic novels, aren't you.
Logic Posted March 22, 2015 Posted March 22, 2015 you're writing one of those erotic novels, aren't you.
Sefket Posted March 23, 2015 Posted March 23, 2015 (edited) Hmm. That script looks very similar to someone else's script. Edited March 23, 2015 by Sefket
Dizzy Posted March 30, 2015 Author Posted March 30, 2015 Hmm. That script looks very similar to someone else's script. it cant be urs shef
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