I'm Working on a Movie Script - Give me some feedback

[Dizzy]

I didn't want to post this in Member Forums because so many people troll. I spent some time writing this as it takes a bit of time to develop stuff. If you are going to post rude, it will just make me upset as I took my time with this. 

 

This is only the introduction. The title has yet to be decided. This is a actual script from what I wrote. As many of you know, I have a few choices in life I want to do.

 

A) Be a Director

B) Be a Soccer Player

C) Computer Programming

 

So I want to see how good of a Screenwriter I can be. Read the below script and tell me how it is so far. Feedback I need.

 

 

 

 

Written by Sefket Dizzy

 

FADE IN

 

INT. the living room

 

Weather: 80%F, Sunny. No clouds anywhere. It's April 10th, 2005. Two story house, few windows on the front side of the house. Green, healthy grass. Driveway in the 

 

center. Just a regular day, family just ate breakfast and their children getting ready for school while parents get ready for work.

 

Family of four. A son, daughter, mom and husband. Mother's name is SARAH, husband's name is JOHN, son's name is BRANDON, daughter's name is KAYLA. SARAH is fourty years old, JOHN is fourty-five years old, BRANDON is fiften years old and KAYLA is ten years old.

 

 

SARH and JOHN are right by the front door. There is stairs right by the door. SARAH looks right at JOHN.

 

SARAH:

 

You look great, honey.

 

 

JOHN:

Thank you, SARAH. 

 

SARAH:

 

I'm going to be home late as I have a meeting. Can you take care of the children later on tonight?

 

JOHN:

 

Yes, babe. 

 

SARAH:

 

Thank you.

 

 

SARAH notices JOHN's tie not looking in place.

 

SARAH:

 

Your tie isn't looking right, let me fix that for you.

 

 

SARAH reaches her hands out to JOHN's tie and fixes it.

 

JOHN smiles.

 

 

JOHN:

 

Well, it's time to go to work. I'll see you later tonight I suppose.

 

 

SARAH:

 

You forgot your lunch!

 

JOHN:

 

Oh, how did I forget!?!

 

 

 

SARAH goes to the kitchen(ten steps away) grabs his lunch(it's a brown paper bag with a Turkey Sandwich inside of it). She goes back to JOHN and tells him to take 

 

care. SARAH and JOHN kiss each other in the lips then JOHN turns the knob and opens the door and goes through it, closes the door and exists the house. SARAH walks 

 

upstairs and sees her children in the hallway. BRANDON with hazel eyes has a plain green shirt on, blue shorts, a Nike shoe and black short hair. KAYLA with blue eyes 

 

has a plain blue shirt on, pink shorts, Reebok shoes, and a blonde ponytail hair. KAYLA and BRANDON is tired.

 

 

 

 

 

SARAH starts smiling.

 

SARAH:

 

 

Aw, you both look so adorable!

 

 

SARAH then goes towards her children and hugs them both in her arms. 

 

 

 

SARAH:

 

I love you both! Have a great day at school!

 

 

 

KAYLA AND BRANDON:

 

We love you to, Mom! Bye!

 

 

KAYLA and BRANDON both go down the stairs and exit through the front door which is by the stairs. They're at the bus stop waiting for the bus to arrive. KAYLA which is 

 

still tired along with BRANDON looks at BRANDON.

 

 

KAYLA:

 

I don't feel like going to school today...

 

 

BRANDON:

 

 

Me neither, but we need to go. 

 

 

 

 

KAYLA:

 

 

I guess so.

 

 

 

 

The bus arrives, KAYLA and BRANDON go inside the bus and they go down the isle looking for open seat(s). They sit down and the bus drives away.

 

 

 

 

CLIP FORWARDS TO SARAH INSIDE THE HOUSE

 

INT. THE HOUSE

 

 

sARAH is getting ready for work. She gets her makeup done, gets her clothes on(Blue Jeans, white shirt, and Reebok shoes) and she's ready to leave the house. She 

 

looks at the mirror and then starts talking to herself. 

 

 

SARAH:

 

I look so beautiful! Oh yes, I do! 

 

 

She tucks her shirt out of her pants to make sure she's fully prepared to leave the house.

[Dylan]

professional

[Allan]

yo man thats amazing wow

[Chase]

so good

[Logic]

used to do this at school using celtx

[1 Item]

yo man thats amazing wow

[Havoc]

so fucking gay LOL

[Tom Valor]

professional

[Jamez]

B) Be a football Player

 

fucking dizzynet

[Its zeh noob]

Bit bland, i remember sefket wanted to be a screenwriter too. I believe he even had the same scenario.

[A Combo]

interesting read!!!!!

[Callum]

Sefket directed fast and furious 7

[Farmoil]

10/10

[Akahana]

I liked it. Was an interesting read, I pictured it like the typical white american family.

 

If you would like to discuss things related to advancing in the story I'll gladly help. 

 

If you do want help, discuss, ideas PM me ?

[Saeko]

professional

[Luke]

No raunchy sex scenes? Feel like Sefket wrote it

MORE BONING 

[Pixel Pigeon]

you're writing one of those erotic novels, aren't you.

[Mikitka]

i pick option B

[Dizzy]

so fucking gay LOL

you're very new kid :/

[A B]

Still a better love story then 50 shades of grey 

[Tony]

l0l

[Logic]

you're writing one of those erotic novels, aren't you.

[Sefket]

Hmm. That script looks very similar to someone else's script.

Edited March 23, 2015 by Sefket

[Ready Ok FOE]

what is this for?

[Dizzy]

Hmm. That script looks very similar to someone else's script.

it cant be urs shef